I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time