Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….