Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
giddy up Office Depot
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Best mom ever 😂
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD