giddy up Office Depot
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
guilty
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
How software testing works
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Deer are just ballerina dogs