7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato