ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.