ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Mountain Goat : )
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.