Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU