My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You Might Also Like
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*