Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack