Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
#NoRestForTheWicked
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
this is the news I live for
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.