Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
that lip filler tho
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Ghost costume 😂
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.