*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
We like the way Dwight thinks
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Got him!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know