Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys