My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
man i love columbo
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else