“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
How actors in movies eat their food
my one true gender
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.