“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach