As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
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The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.