Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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went fishing caught a bass
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Born to be mild.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees