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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh