Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Meowchelangelo