Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Life hack
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????