(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
*skinny dips into black hole
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.