I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
You Might Also Like
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.