a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Put this video in the Louvre
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse