@JillianKarger

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

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@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@meladoodle

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@iwearaonesie

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.