Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Happy thanksgiving!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
#ProTip
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.