French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog