She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT![]()
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
can’t catch a break
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall