Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
<—- homeless romantic
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!