Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
#Caturday
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75