Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times