My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
How dude HOW?!
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Same post same
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.