My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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A drum solo but on your face.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.