Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.