A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’