longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]