Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.