her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
You Might Also Like
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Thursday
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity