Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
What the hell is going on?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg