*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt