”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Imma just leave this here…………
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”