“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The happy life.. 😊
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Heroic Misunderstanding
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.