One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning