I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.