one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
No, YOUR illiterate.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies