My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
A French press is when you hug naked
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.