Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
😅😅😅
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”