I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …