3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
An odd boast
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved