Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.


I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.


Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,



Everyone born in December.


My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.


When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!


I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.


Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.


DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.