Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You Might Also Like
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato