I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.