so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.