waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
In banana years, I am bread.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”